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Memores acti prudentes futuri

And if we fall from grace, at least we had a taste
of something more than this unresolved black abyss
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Sunday, September 4, 2022
"Fixing a Hole" by The Beatles.

I've been doing better this past year. Like, a lot better, really, than pretty much any other time within memory for the entirety of my adult life. But I guess like... it's not that I'm the happiest I've ever been or anything. I've had brief periods of intensely good feelings and this isn't that. This is more like general stability and functionality. It feels funny to say that-- "functionality"-- like, haven't I been functioning all this time? Haven't I been moving along in my life, getting things done, making deadlines, and so on?

And it's true, I was getting by, for years really. There were some bumps in the road of course, I can't deny that. I've missed assignments, I've dropped classes, I've let opportunities go. I never got into any serious trouble though, nothing life-arresting that I can think of. Not like the stories I hear about people who can't get out of bed or who just stop going to work or things like that. Nothing to be alarmed about.

I'm not sure if it's any one thing I've been doing differently, but I've made a number of smaller life changes over the past year that I think have come together to just help me a lot in general. Taking Vitamin C, Vitamin D, and iron every day; stretching every day; exercising most days of the week for at least an hour at a time; reading five pages of a book every day; going to bed at a relatively consistent time before midnight; socializing at regular intervals in person; cleaning and putting things away regularly.

Some of these things only feel possible because of other things. For years it felt like kind of a big undertaking to do certain things, but it doesn't feel so hard anymore. I have energy to do more than I have to do. I still feel down some days, but it doesn't seem to consume my existence, or I get back to this higher baseline state relatively quickly.

Things that have not changed, though: Still not drinking, smoking, or doing any drugs, including caffeine (except for rare occasions a few times a year when I have green tea). I think I'll keep it this way. No need to mess with things when I seem to have a balance at the moment.

I was thinking about writing something about what I've been thinking of as sort of stages of living in an Existentially authentic way, but I haven't quite collected all my thoughts about that yet. Maybe going over some Existential texts would help. I'm currently reading Madness by Marya Hornbacher, and this five-pages-a-day thing, while effective, is a rather slow process. I feel more able to keep going with this rate, because it's such a small/manageable amount per day.

So yeah, I dunno, I guess the gist of this post is really just to say that giving myself a series of small daily tasks and trying to get my nutrition in order is making a noticeable difference in a positive way. It hasn't quite given me the boost to blog more frequently yet (which may also be because I end up telling people things directly instead of amassing a bunch of thoughts that are best put out in blog post format?). In any case, I'm doing well.

ehhh... r u back to studies again?
» renaye on 2022-09-17 10:14:56

comment test
» Zanzibar on 2022-09-27 05:18:45

ok now it doesnt work
» Zanzibar on 2022-09-27 05:21:01

Ok, I can only write one line maybe
» Zanzibar on 2022-09-27 05:21:12

Anyway glad to read this
» Zanzibar on 2022-09-27 05:21:21

reminds me of that song I am not happy yet but I am way less sad
» Zanzibar on 2022-09-27 05:21:43

maybe I just cannot include apostrophes or quotation marks
» Zanzibar on 2022-09-27 05:22:01

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