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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Repeat every word that you say to me
They put you to use or put you to sleep
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
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Musicalities!
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dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
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Jhonen Vasquez's site
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The socializing never ends
Saturday, August 11, 2018
"You're Somebody Else" by flora cash.

I saw the part of you that only when you're older you will see too

Feeling pretty exhausted right now. I was up until like... 5:30am last night. Hung out with my friend Matt and his friend pretty late, and got to talking with the friend until 4am. It was enjoyable conversation and I felt fairly wired after I got home, but I had an ECS hike at 8am and I took what was basically a 1.5 hour nap between hanging out at my friend's place and going hiking.

On Tuesday I went to a talk about the existential view of being alone. I thought it was quite interesting and was reassuring in the way that such things often are for me. The information itself wasn't necessarily all novel, but it put words to concepts I had never articulated before, and there was comfort in that. The speaker described different types of being alone and loneliness.

For example, there's morbid loneliness anxiety vs. existential loneliness. Morbid loneliness anxiety is a state of feeling separated from oneself as a feeling/knowing person. Existential loneliness, in contrast, is an awareness of the solitary and separate nature of being human. Subjectivity divides us from ever being truly with each other in our perceptions and experiences. I experience existential loneliness frequently, and have for almost the past eight years.

Solitude facilitates our inner work by encouraging autocommunication, which was defined in the talk as "communication with oneself based on the polyphony (multiple voices) of human consciousness." I think that autocommunication helped me when I was younger and struggling with my self-worth, and I had two voices in my head with opposing points of view about me. There was the main voice, the one that felt like my voice, saying negative things, and then there was a louder more aggressive voice that shot down everything "my" voice said. I don't have multiple distinct inner voices anymore, but I guess I might not need them anymore.

Too tired to write more right now. So tired lately, it feels like. Never any motivation to write. Not much motivation to do anything at all. It's strange, because my mood will seem okay, or at least not terrible, but I just... don't want to do things. Sometimes I go to sleep early because I feel like there's just nothing at all I want to do while conscious. It comes off like a depressive thing, but I don't feel anything otherwise. Maybe I have to determine it going from the outside in again though... Haven't had to do that in awhile, not since I used to deal with depersonalization, but I can dust off those skills...
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