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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Second day of class
Thursday, January 18, 2018
I was at school from 8:30am to 6pm today, up in the city. Ran to the train station in the rain to get home in time for my weekly videochat with friends.

So far, I'm liking this program about a thousand times more than my last one. The professors have been good, the readings have been interesting and accessible, and I feel comfortable with some of my classmates. Not all of them, mind you, but enough that I'm not stewing in resentment all the time.

Also, for some reason, I've only been sleeping 4-5 hours a night, but I wake up at like 5am and am awake for the whole day. It's weird, but... nice? I guess? I don't know why I have all this energy.

Highlights from the retreat:
-I woke up really early and went hiking by myself in the woods for an hour in the morning on Saturday and Sunday
-Hung out around a hot tub and one girl went full on naked in there O_O
-A classmate who wasn't in my group told me that he felt sad that he had life experiences that weren't shared by anyone
-I never told that classmate what my name was during the retreat and he ended up just calling me Mandy
-I hiked with a guy in my group and felt a vague sense of connection
-Had a bad time on Saturday afternoon/evening and ended up crying a lot once everyone had left
-Super blank emotionally on Sunday, but as I was leaving, the guy I went hiking with called out my name and ran up the stairs to catch me, then asked if he could hug me goodbye. I was a bit startled but I consented, and something about the hug kind of reset my system and I wasn't as blank afterwards

I am slowly getting to know this guy I've been hanging out with.
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