"Please Be My Third Eye" by La Sera.

I can feel your heartbeat
When my mind is clear
I can see your visions
There's nothing to fear

Will you please be my third eye tonight?

---

There are some things I miss about being in a relationship, and I've been thinking about those tonight.

Just remembering things like getting into a game together, like a hack-n-slash or an RPG, developing some kind of pattern or strategy for how we played. I like melee characters, and summoning stuff to fight, not interested in potions or status effects, that sort of thing. It's nice to have someone who balances me in that regard. I get tired of games so quickly once I hit the double digits of hours played, but having someone to play with, and having a specific game to play with them, keeps me interested.

It was also nice to go on walks, and go shopping for things we needed (or, I guess in some cases, for things I decided that he needed... like Kleenex). Going out is nice, though I'm not much for things that are too wild. Trying new restaurants is one of my favorite things to do with a partner, although they've had varying levels of enthusiasm for it.

I miss... having someone to dress up for, someone to look cute for. I'm not much interested in impressing strangers. It is fun sometimes, if I have time to kill, to experiment with different outfits I guess, but I don't really feel like I'm very into fashion without someone specific in mind.

I like having someone to share what I'm learning with, although I guess that's a bit less applicable now that I'm not currently in school. I feel like I'm usually learning something, though, and I enjoy talking about that with someone. Tonight I decided to make an account on Meetup.com and was looking through the groups to see if there was anything that appealed to me. Mostly there wasn't, but there's an ethical culture society that seems promising... I get the impression that it's mainly older people, but that's okay. This is the kind of thing I wish I had someone to go with me to, though.

Making a Meetup account has gotten me thinking about what my interests and hobbies are. I never know how to define those, and I haven't in a long time, maybe since high school. Most of the time I just rely on what I know I used to like and kinda use those things as the default. What's interesting to me about this particular characteristic of myself is that people seem to generally find me interesting despite my lack of clearly defined interests. Maybe my vagueness makes me seem mysterious and people imagine that I'm hiding all sorts of complex cool things they don't know about, or something. Orrrrrrrr maybe it's just that I think about things very in depth and that comes out when I talk. More likely that, I guess.

I hate being asked to describe myself because I legitimately don't know what to say other than the very basic stuff I know applies to me as far as other people see me. Age, ethnicity, gender, etc. Tick off those boxes in the demographics section. I could use analogies that would have more meaning to me but that would be lost on the other party, and there's no point to saying it if it doesn't communicate anything of value to the person you're talking to, as far as I'm concerned. In my opinion, talking should be an exchange of information... so why talk if what you're saying won't be received by the other person in any meaningful way?

Then again, it's hard to know how the other person will receive what you're saying to them... And goodness knows I have a tendency to tell people less and less over time as they react in ways that erode my faith that they're getting what I'm saying. When I think about the way my reflex to clam up like this, I feel like my instincts are a giant clothespin that I'm caught inside, and I'm trying to keep it propped open with my arms.

Sometimes I just get tired of fighting it. Still trying, though.

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.