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Memores acti prudentes futuri

We were standing there when the moon broke through
and I wonder still what it meant to you
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
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Kind of a break day
Thursday, August 3, 2017
I attended my first gym class since last year. It felt good to be back, although I had a bit of a hard time getting back into the swing of things and following along with the routine for Turbo Kick. Was still fun, just felt a little awkward I guess. I have such terrible bodily awareness, haha. When I'm watching the instructor I get really confused about how to do what they're doing. >_>

Still ran a mile afterwards, so that I could feel like I wasn't just cheating today. It was a slow mile though, 6.8 mph/lvl 1 incline. I guess an 8:49 minute mile is a pretty easy pace, and I don't really get particularly tired from it... just bored.


I'm listening to Kings of Convenience and slipping into sort of a mild melancholy mood. Most of the time I think of this as "contemplative" but it has other connotations... sadness, quiet, tiredness, calm. Maybe a touch of wistfulness, or the kind of acceptance you feel when you remember something that didn't go the way you wanted it to, but it's been long enough now that any pain from it is now only a tiny twinge at the edge of your heart. The feeling you get when you're not fighting something anymore, but occasionally you still think about it and wish it was different.

This band writes the kind of songs that are perfect for this mood. They're relaxing as background music, but they're... thoughtful, I guess.

"The Girl From Back Then" by Kings of Convenience.

And I sat down and said
"I don't want to suffer"
But she told me
She had nothing to offer
No more

"Singing Softly To Me" by Kings of Convenience.

Things seem so much better when
They're not part of your close surroundings
Like words in a letter sent,
Amplified by the distance
Possibilities and sweeter dreams
Sights and sounds calling from far away
Calling from far away


Thinking about my drive to find what I was responsible for in situations that went badly, and how people tell me not to beat myself up over things or not to blame myself for them. Again, one of those things I don't really like that much. I don't want to be told that things are just happening to me and I didn't have any control and am not at fault at all. Not because I think that I'm responsible for EVERYTHING, necessarily, but because through my actions, through my existence, I'm having some kind of impact on my surroundings. It's disempowering to be told that I somehow had no responsibility in a given situation. I'd like to think I'm not a control freak, but it is very important to me to acknowledge when I do have control over things, and I feel that I have some degree of control in almost everything I do (look at me, being all Existential, oh boy). Like the car accident I was in last year... everyone kept trying to comfort me by saying it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done to avoid it... I know they were trying to make me feel better, presumably because they assumed I might be feeling guilty about causing the accident, but that was actually a pretty terrible thing to tell me, because now I'm afraid that it could happen again at any moment and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. Even if it sucked I think I would rather have been told that I did something wrong, because at least then I would know not to do that again.

I am okay with bearing the burden of freedom and responsibility, at least most of the time. The vast majority of the time. Being responsible means that I'm at fault for things that go wrong in my life, but it also means that I have the power to change things for the better, and that's what's important to me. When I realized that as a teenager, it changed a lot in my life. Responsibility is not just about guilt, and I am not a helpless victim being tossed around by the whims of the universe. I can direct my life to places I want it to be if I just know where I have control...

Idk, generally whatever people say to me never really goes to heart, unless its someone who knows me better than I know myself. Like my mom. Sometimes what helps the most is to take what happened, and learn from it. You create your own limitations, boundaries, and beliefs about yourself. Those limitations and boundaries always sort of fluctuate, especially with new experiences.
» watermelon on 2017-08-04 04:30:04

It's subjective
In defense of the people :)

Did something go wrong with grad school? Maybe, but maybe you also encountered a limitation of yours, and couldn't go on. Could you change that limitation? Well, no one can tell you what you can and can't do, that's for you to decide. "I can't because" or "I can because". And say, what if people did believe you were responsible for the situation? Is that something you want to revisit?

As for the car accident... I don't think its in the place of others to tell you if it was your fault or not, although if the conversation starts going on that direction, I think most people would be inclined to remove blame from you, because whatever you needed to learn through that experience, you've probably already learned. I could say stuff like "next time you should drive slower when it's raining" or I could say "next time take a larger turn" or anything, but who am I do to that? I wasn't there. Also, I can imagine your parents have already had those conversations with you.

Basically what I'm saying is, people talk. That's all. No one makes the rules or even understands the rules except for you, and maaaaaybe those who know you well.

If you spilled a cup of milk at your friends, you could beat yourself up about it a lot, like maybe something about how clumsy you are. What if the friend said "Yeah, you should have been more careful. I'll clean it up." What if the friend said "No no, it's ok, that milk just doesn't want to stay in the cup! I'll clean it up." Which response would you prefer?
» watermelon on 2017-08-04 04:48:27

My comments
Dang, I have long comments. Feel free to ban me if they are too much. (please don't!)
» watermelon on 2017-08-04 04:51:03

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