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Memores acti prudentes futuri

We were standing there when the moon broke through
and I wonder still what it meant to you
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
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Something about support, digressions
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
0.1 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1 incline
1.25 mi at 7 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.4 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 7.2 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.5 mi at 3 mph, lvl 1 incline
0.25 mi at 6.8 mph, lvl 1 incline
= 3 mi total

Slightly less lame but still lame. I don't think I'm eating enough to have energy for running... I did eat today before I went to the gym, but... it's been hot here and I haven't felt hungry, so I kinda just eat like one meal a day and snack a little. >.> At least today I ate... more of a meal than yesterday. My dad bought fish jun from a Korean market, so I had a big bowl of that and rice. Yesterday all I ate for my meal was a little single serving spinach lasagna from Trader Joe's, haha. I feel kinda conflicted because I want to run more, but I don't want to make myself eat more. Bleh.

Browsing Craigslist and saw an eyelash extension model gig that looked fun, although it was posted two days ago, so they might not have any openings anymore. I emailed anyway, figured it couldn't hurt. Would be something to do Sunday/Monday if it works out.

I felt ah... a bit bummed out today, although I'll get over it. Just need some time for things to settle...



I've been thinking about this recently, and I don't like being... over-validated, I guess. Like I'm hard on myself, I know that, but I kind of... don't like it when people try to take responsibility away from me? Like I appreciate the support but I guess it bothers me the way they do it, sometimes. For instance, the grad school I just left... people were talking to me about it and I know I've been beating myself up over that decision, but everyone tries to validate me by saying "It's okay, you needed to leave," and that's... not true? I didn't "need" to leave. I chose to leave. I could have stayed, I just would have been unhappy. I wasn't failing. I wasn't even close to failing. I was stressed out, and I was anxious a lot, but I wasn't going to die if I stayed there. Maybe I just take the word "need" differently than most people though...

It's hard, because I want to just be able to accept people's support and encouragement, but it doesn't help me when I feel like it's baseless. Like they're just saying something because those are the prescribed phrases for the situation. For example, if I was like "I'm sad" and someone was like "aw, don't worry, things will get better"... That's just... meaningless. It's well-intentioned but it's meaningless. They don't know anything about why I'm sad, they don't know what's going on at all, so how can they know if things will get better? And yeah, yeah, okay, they're just trying to be comforting, I get that. There's nothing wrong with that, it just doesn't help me. In those cases, I think it helps that person more than it helps me, because at least they feel like they tried. I don't have anything against them for it, I just end up feeling a little more tired.

Like I wouldn't want to write a poem and tell someone I wrote a poem and have them just be like "it's great!" without even reading it... What's the point? Are they just saying that it's great because I wrote it? Because that's so blatantly not true. Or is the point that it is subjectively great to them because it came from me? I mean, there's some value in that I guess, but subjective worth only has so much weight, and it doesn't translate across all situations.

It makes me think of compliments... Once, when I was a senior in high school, this girl in my weight training class told me she liked my socks, and I was startled by the compliment (wasn't used to getting them at that point) and awkwardly replied that I liked her shoes. I didn't really like her shoes though, I just felt like I needed to compliment her back to reciprocate. I did think her hair was pretty cool, but that felt like something that wouldn't match up with a sock compliment. Anyway, it feels pretty empty when you just say it for the sake of saying it. I want to be authentic in my interactions.

I definitely digressed there. But um... back to the validation thing... I dunno, like, it's not that I want people to be hard on me necessarily, because I'm already hard on myself... Maybe I've just learned how to take criticism better than validation. Criticism gives me something to fix. Validation... uh... makes me feel like I'm just supposed to sit and do nothing? Feels like people being all "whoa whoa hey, it's alright, calm down, things are okay as they are." And maybe I do need that in some respect, and I've learned how to accept things more, but it doesn't give me anywhere to go.

So ultimately I think that when I talk to people about feeling guilty that I dropped out of grad school, maybe the response I wish I was hearing more was "Yeah, you didn't have to do that, and you could have stayed, but you were unhappy there, and you're here now, so how are you going to move forward?" Because I dissect all this stuff to learn from it, not to be patted on the back. That might be a distinction I'll have to make to my next therapist... Rumination is a pretty common depressive symptom, but I don't think I ruminate... I dissect... If we're taking the definition of rumination as it pertains to depression from Wikipedia...

"Rumination is the focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions."

I don't think this fits me, because I'm very solution-focused. Maybe overly so, sometimes. I'd like to avoid mistakes when I can, but if I make them, then I want to learn something from them so that I don't make the same mistakes again.

I feel bad for people who are trying to comfort me. Nobody ever really seems to know what to do, and I imagine it's quite a challenge to support me emotionally. Sometimes I get tired of trying to reach out and I just stop talking about certain things, because it feels like nobody is saying anything that has an impact, but I don't want to be cynical like that and not trust that other people can help. Still, I think I do kind of believe, on some deep level, that I have to find comfort within myself. Gotta be... self-soothing, haha. And if it's not already in me then it's research time... It's funny what an odd philosophical excerpt here and there can do, with the right wording. This book looks like it could be interesting... Logic Based Therapy and Everyday Emotions: A Case-Based Approach

Fro has been helpful in the past when she's suggested things I hadn't thought about-- mainly simple stuff like keeping track of good things. She also gave me a one-sentence journal that I try to write it every day, and I like that. Practical things. It feels good to have some kind of task or routine to maintain some structure in my life and keep me grounded. Getting practical support is a lot nicer than people trying to talk me through things most of the time, because I get the sense that it's hard to keep up with what I'm thinking, or hard to find the right things to say.

Hoo boy this post got long. So much of the time I'm just staring at my screen with no idea of what to write, but once I actually start on a topic like this, it's just endless. Gonna cut it off here, I've probably rambled enough.

Sometimes I wish my bf were more supportive and talked me through things to make things better, to help me think through solutions, but then I realized that that's kind of a skill I shouldn't expect him to have. Sometimes I wish he'd be my therapist, but he has zero interest in that type of conversation...it used to make me really upset, but I no longer fault him for who he is or how he is. I think there is a type of skill or resourcefulness to finding the people who meet certain needs you have, and then to keep them around.

Sometimes a prescribed response is prescribed because people aren't sure how much you want to expose the entire situation, or how it feels for you to talk about it, or they don't want to say something more harmful than helpful. A prescribed response is safe, a friendship generally won't go sour because of it. I really liked blah therapy because it was a space where you can have back-and-forth about anything, and you are free to tell people how to respond, or ask them specifically what you need. Of course, it will require filtering through some unhelpful people...in which case you just develop a think skin. Or be entertained. Out of the 60 or so conversations I've had on there, I would say 10 have been solid therapy session material. Where I actually took what they said, wrote it down in large letters in my journal so I could be reminded of it.

As for food... I want to say not to eat more than you are hungry for. The more you run, the more hungry you'll get, right? Just make sure your body isn't going into starvation mode. Found a description of that:

Your body is equipped with its own starvation defense mechanism, which has evolved over millions of years to protect you during times when food was scarce -- a problem most people don't have today. When you take in too few calories to support activity and normal physiological functioning, your body adapts by reducing the amount of energy it uses to accomplish tasks. (potential cause for low-energy?) Your body may also turn to lean muscle mass for energy in order to conserve its valuable fat stores, just in case it doesn't receive more food anytime soon.
» watermelon on 2017-08-03 11:42:33

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