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Memores acti prudentes futuri


You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Sunday, February 26, 2017
Thinking about a conversation snippet from Saturday when Kyle and I were walking from the train to the airport. I don't remember the exact wording but it went something like this:

Me (jokingly): Maybe I'll go check out that pizza place and I'll be sitting there eating pizza by myself and some handsome, surprisingly compatible rich guy will sit down at my table and start talking to me.
Kyle: That seems kind of bold, not like your type.
Me: What? Why not? What is my type, then?
Kyle: Socially awkward? And abusive?
Me: Yeah well obviously I don't WANT that to be my type.

I mean, he's not wrong, but it still sucks. >_>

---

In class last week, there was a group presentation that was, supposedly, about culture, but the group defined culture as "an encounter with the foreign" and that just... disgusted me. I felt as if they conceived of culture as some kind of thing that other people have, like culture is what you see in a National Geographic magazine, where all those African tribes are shown in glossy full color in their loin clothes, holding spears. Culture is not "foreign" (wtf???), it's something we're constantly immersed in. You are never outside of culture, you are always a participant in it. I just... I don't know how to express the extent to which I found their presentation meaningless and distasteful. I felt like this incident just amplified my feelings of alienation from the rest of my cohort. I'm just constantly aware that I'm the only person in there who isn't phenotypically white, and I think it definitely impacts my experience in the classroom.

I don't know if all the other people in my cohort identify as American (we do have one guy from Puerto Rico who definitely doesn't, and he's Hispanic but he looks white), but I frequently feel like my core identity isn't American. Obviously I grew up in American culture and I'm not all that tied to my Asian heritage, but I just... am acutely aware that I'm not part of the dominant white American culture. I wouldn't say I really identify as Asian American either, because that comes with its own set of issues, but I don't know that I identify with any group in particular. At the same time, I don't have any issues with group membership-- I think it can be a nice thing to have that sense of relatedness and community with others-- I just don't know what group I fit with. When I'm asked to describe myself, I know the categories that others would put me in (Asian, female, young, educated, etc.), but I don't... think about any of those explicitly, I suppose. When someone asks me to describe myself, what do they want? Individual personality traits? Social roles? Accomplishments? There are so many different selves, defined by so many different things. It's a hard question to answer without knowing what the other person is looking for.
1 Comments.


I would say that you are part of a growing number of Asians who are too western to be Asian and yet too Asian to be western.. I feel that way but the opposite when I'm back at home.

I'm quite bad at introducing myself because of that too so I usually just stick to "just so we get this out of the way, I'm weird but feel free to join me".

Re: Comment
New Zealand in general is quite safe. There are definitely places where you are told not to go but in general quite safe.The locals are also quite used to foreigners too as there are more people migrating here. There are many backpackers here too so that makes finding information, tips and even travel buddies relatively easy.
» Nuttz on 2017-02-28 03:57:51

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