Went to Piloxing today. Didn't go back for an evening class, though... maybe next week? I think I've gotten in four hours at the gym this week so far. Trying to just take it easy.

In therapy today I attempted to describe to my therapist how I feel sometimes, but unfortunately I probably did a pretty poor job of it, because the only language I know isn't well suited to describing the feeling. I was trying to explain how sometimes I don't feel like I have any physical presence anymore, and I'm just existing in the moment, observing things without being a separate entity. Except... there's no "I" really, there's no subject observing. It would be closer to say "there is observation," except that that way of phrasing it is nonsensical to most people, since we assume there has to be a subject to do any observing.

At the end of the session I tried to put it a different way, and said that it's like my atoms just mingle with the atoms of everything else, and they're indistinguishable from my surroundings, but some things will snap me back to awareness and my atoms will once again form this semblance of a distinct entity. That's also wrong though, because the distinct entity is just an illusion wrought by distance.

I have no idea how to talk about this without sounding like some kind of new age-y hippie stoner, so I'm just gonna... not.

Going down to LA tomorrow for my great aunt's memorial service on Friday... She died um... last week? Maybe? I don't know. I wasn't close to her at all and had vaguely negative feelings towards her (a step up from the stronger negative feelings I had as a child). But yeah... driving down south... I think we're driving back home on Friday after the service. I hope we don't leave Saturday, because I have a crisis line shift then and I really don't want to have to cancel it.

Lately some things have felt difficult (like getting back into the swing of things at the gym), but I feel like that's the most important time to do them. Like... it's not the easy times that are the ones that matter, when it comes to my goals. If I want to be a more calm and reasonable person, then yeah, it's still good to practice in small situations, like not getting angry over being cut off in traffic, but it matters more when it's something big and I don't want to get over it. Getting over the desires is the challenge, and everything else is just fluff. This is where the hard work comes in. I keep thinking, "it's crunch time," even though that's not quite right. It's more just... "this is the important part, this is where the blood and tears and hard labor come into play, this is where you have to push, no matter how much you don't want to. This is what you need to do to get where you want."

Can't settle. Can't get locked into habits. Gotta stay flexible, adaptable. Always something to be done. Have to keep finding the uncomfortable things and mastering them.

"Big Wild" by Aftergold.

You're going to be in LA???? I'm guessing that you probably don't have time to hang out??? So when you say these things to your therapist, does your therapist follow what you're saying? Like... is he/she as philosophical / metaphysical as you are? I can imagine a therapist being like, "Hmmm... we don't get a lot of your type in here... they didn't cover this in the training."

For what it's worth, I like the way you describe it. And the way you've described your depression and detachment in the past has done a lot to help me understand that kind of thing, which I totally didn't before.

As for Pluto, it's still a dwarf planet. And I did cover asteroids in my series, even though they aren't planets. I'll cover comets, too. The great thing about having your own lecture series is that you can put WHATEVER you want in it.
» Zanzibar on 2016-04-15 11:38:49

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