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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Making sure I'm not in too deep
keeping versed and on my feet
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

“The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts

Blue Milk Special
Camp Weedonwantcha
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

Green Wake
Gun Show
Helpful Figures
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Sin Titulo
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Ugly Girl
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown

Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Eat Liver
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Looky here
free counters
Late night sad times
Sunday, October 23, 2016
"Sweetness" by Jimmy Eat World.

If you're listening, are you listening?
If you're listening, are you listening?
Sing it back
If you're listening, are you listening?
I'm still running away
I'm still running away
Won't play your hide and seek game
I was spinning free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
What a dizzy dance
The sweetness will not be concerned with me
No the sweetness will not be concerned with me

This song is giving me a sense of saudade right now... It reminds me of sleeping on my mattress on the floor of my room when I was 13 and we were preparing to paint my walls. My radio was on the pink shelf that used to come out of the wall next to my closet, and I spent a lot of time lying under it and listening to Channel 104.9. I still had Ducky, Romeo, and Stormy, although Stormy died that winter from overheating. Romeo almost died too, and it was my fault for putting the cage too close to the heater overnight. I didn't want them to be cold, but I ended up killing one of my birds instead. It's a painful memory to reflect on.

They're all gone, now, all my birds... I try not to blame myself for their deaths, but sometimes I don't succeed. At least I don't blame myself for Romeo. I did everything that I could for him, and he lived almost eleven years. A long time for a pet budgie.

I miss him so much. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop grieving.

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Talent and skill [4P]
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2016
From Boiling Energy by Richard Katz:
A short time later, it hits me, a direct and terrifying realization. I am in an enormous oven, baking beyond what I have learned to experience, with no release into cool. Nowhere in this open, arid land, with its tall walk-through grasses, scrubby bushes, and scattered trees covering the flat, sandy ground, nowhere is the cool I knew. Shade, yes, shade enough. But the sun-heat lingers on, drifting only slightly diminished under shade branches. I am in the oven of that land, and there is no way out. Terror is of no breathing space. Terror is of dying.

I'm supposed to be reading various chapters of this book for class, but I was struck by this quote. It feels like something I understand very deeply right now. The things I am used to, the things that I had all my life, those are inaccessible to me right now. There are only faint shadows resembling what I had.

I guess it might seem like an odd comparison, considering that I'm in pretty much the opposite environment from what is described here, but it all feels so open and exposed, bare and unprotected. My room doesn't feel like a safe haven because it's similarly bare and lacking in comforts I would have at home.


Yesterday I saw a squirrel running up some stairs at school, and for some reason it felt like one of the most important things I noticed that day. I pointed it out to the classmate who was walking with me, but I'm not sure if she heard me or saw it.


Oh yeah, these are the rain boots I got last weekend.

I have been wearing them every day.

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Out of it
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
I think I had a bad dissociation episode yesterday. It felt like reality was disintegrating, and almost everything seemed entirely incomprehensible. Luckily it only lasted a short while, but I felt extremely dazed and disoriented during it, and it happened during class. >_>

During the episode, I had thoughts of giving up on my current situation and going and living with my parents forever, as some kind of pathetic NEET too fragile to deal with the stresses of adult life. I don't think my parents would accommodate that, though, and I don't think I could bear the shame of it anyway. When I left St. John's, I had at least a general plan for the future. This would be different. I can't allow myself to be a failure. It would be better to die, if those were the only two choices.

I am lucky to have a boyfriend who is so supportive of me and considerate of the context of my life right now. Although I still worry about how my issues are affecting us, his reassurance and faith in me do make it easier to deal with things.

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I've gotten bad at keeping up with entries
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Got the blood test results back, and they showed that I'm anemic, so I'm taking iron supplements now. Hopefully that clears things up. I'm supposed to take them with vitamin C either an hour before or two hours after eating a meal. Since I don't have a set meal time, I'm not sure I always manage to take them within the right time frame, but I hope that doesn't impact their effectiveness much.

I started a list of restaurants I want to try with my boyfriend awhile ago, and we're going to start going to them once he gets his paycheck this week, so that's something to look forward to. So much food around here... It's gonna take us awhile to try everything. I don't know if we ever will, either, because we keep finding new things to add to the list, and we only have so much time and stomach space.

There's a get together happening with my cohort and the second year cohort tonight, so I'll get to meet the second years and hang out with people from school. I'm interested to see what the second years are like, since I haven't really had any contact with them yet. The guy hosting the event has a cat at his house, though, so I hope that doesn't negatively affect me. I'm still not sure if I'm actually allergic to cats or not, but it's not something I'm keen on experimenting with.

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aw deez feels
Thursday, October 6, 2016
"Stop Talking" by Memory Tapes.

I've been listening to a lot of Grimes and the Mortal Kombat theme recently, but this song is also nice.

Last night my boyfriend was brushing his teeth, and I looked over at him and was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of giddy excitement. I had to turn away to keep myself from giggling uncontrollably. I don't really know why it happened, because most of the time I can look at him without feeling like I'm in high school again, sneaking furtive glances at my crush. This morning I felt pretty cuddly too, but he had to leave for work. I feel like I just want to snuggle up to him in bed and stay there all day. @_@

I don't know where this is coming from. We didn't see each other for a few days this week, so maybe... absence makes the heart grow fonder? I don't have a lot of experience with not-long-distance relationships, so I'm kind of still figuring things out.

Yesterday I walked to a health clinic to do a blood draw for some lab work. When I went to the health center on Monday, they did an EKG on me, but it didn't show anything. The person who checked me out there wants to see if the blood test shows something thyroid-related.

Walking to the clinic only took about half an hour, but I felt terrible by the time I got there. Really lightheaded, and my head was pounding. My heart was also racing, and I tried to take deep breaths to slow it down, but it didn't help. During class in the afternoon, I had some of the same problems even though I was just sitting down the whole time, and I also felt fairly nauseous for the second hour of class. I got dinner after it ended, but felt too sick to eat anything for a few more hours. It felt pretty crappy, and I half-jokingly told my boyfriend over Facebook that I just wanted to lay my head on his lap and complain about how terrible I felt, which is why he came over last night. He's such a sweetheart. >.>

I did miss him though, aside from wanting him to be here so someone would attend my pity party. It feels silly, since I just saw him on like... Sunday morning? and there really aren't that many days between Sunday and Wednesday.

Oh my goodness, I just feel like I love him so much right now that I don't know what to do with myself.

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Sunday, October 2, 2016
I've been taking vitamins and trying to drink more water, which I think is maybe helping with things. I do feel better than I did before.

On Wednesday I donated blood in the afternoon, and then went to the bookstore to pick up some books I needed for class. While I was standing in the aisle figuring out which books I was going to get, I suddenly felt very lightheaded and dizzy, and I thought I was going to faint. I dropped to the ground and sat there, kind of slumped to the side, leaning on the shelves. I was listening to my iPod, but I realized that I could barely hear the music, and that everything sounded far away and somewhat muffled. My body felt weak, and I was overcome with nausea, to the point where I really thought I was going to throw up. I wanted so badly to be able to go to the bathroom, which is right outside the bookstore on campus, so that I could throw up, but I couldn't move without making the nausea worse. I also realized that the skin of my face felt extremely cold, almost to the point of being numb, and that I had started sweating. Having never experienced a cold sweat before, it was a strange feeling.

I don't know how long I was really on the ground, unable to get up, but it felt like at least five to ten minutes. The entire time I was there, there was a guy only a few yards away from me, looking at his phone. He never once looked at me or asked if I was okay. I ended up just looking at his shoes for a good portion of the time and wondering why he wasn't doing anything. Did he not see me fall? Was he that unaware of his surroundings? Did he just not think it mattered? It was somewhat disturbing to me. I don't think he could have thought my behavior was normal, because I had my head resting on one of the lower shelves and was breathing heavily, and at one point I attempted to move away from the shelf so I could try to crawl towards the bathroom. As far as I know, these are not things people typically do in bookstores.

Interestingly enough, after I finally felt well enough to get up and buy my books, that guy just walked behind me and out of the store, without having bought anything. So he literally just stood in the same aisle as me that whole time and didn't buy anything. The whole thing is just dumbfounding to me, honestly.

I have an appointment at the campus health center for Monday to get checked out, and hopefully there's nothing seriously wrong with me. Most of my friends think it was probably the blood donation that caused the whole incident, but I just want to make sure.

Gonna try to hang out with a couple people from my new cohort today, so I hope that goes well.

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Saturday, September 24, 2016
11:39 PM.

I've been feeling listless and tired, so I'm looking at the Volunteer section of Craigslist, as I sometimes do when I'm having trouble being interested in life. It seems easier to just sign up for volunteer things than to find something that I want to do for myself.

I submitted some information to a study, so I might end up participating in that. It's been awhile since I was in one, so maybe it would be fun.

Also looking at volunteering for a charity sale, but I'm less sure about that one. Need to look for a job, too... My life feels kind of empty right now and I feel like I should be occupying myself with more, but it's hard to motivate myself when I'm tired all the time. I sleep and only feel awake for an hour or two before I want to sleep again... Bought some multivitamins today in case that has anything to do with it, though.

Have been listening to a few Eerie Summer songs tonight, and they're nice.

"It's Okay" by Eerie Summer.

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