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Memores acti prudentes futuri


We were standing there when the moon broke through
and I wonder still what it meant to you
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
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Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
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For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
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Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
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Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
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Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
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Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
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The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
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The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
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Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
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Minimalism Sucks
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Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
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One Swoop Fell
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Shortpacked!
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Thermohalia
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Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Nostalgia in an unfamiliar place
Sunday, August 12, 2018
I left early for ECS today, but when I got there the building was locked and nobody was setting up, so I decided to walk around the nearby community center. I was sort of sleepy, and it was a bit warm, so I was feeling relaxed. Something about the aesthetic of the buildings reminded me of childhood. The open layout of the rooms was like that of my elementary school, albeit more shady, and with higher ceilings.

It was very quiet there, and almost nobody else was around, I guess because it's closed on weekends. They had a senior center there and some kind of children's center as well. There's something I love about wandering around places that are usually busy and full of life when nobody is there. I guess these spaces lend themselves to the imagination, and there's so much possibility in them. When I wander through them I can almost hear the echoes of footsteps and conversation and laughter.

At the same time, this place made me think of being in Hawaii in the summer, at my uncle's church. There was no air conditioning there, but with all the windows open, the breezes flowing in were more than enough to cool it down.

Sometimes it feels like I'll wake up and be back there, and all of my adolescence and adult life will just have been one long nap dream on a warm day.

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The socializing never ends
Saturday, August 11, 2018
"You're Somebody Else" by flora cash.

I saw the part of you that only when you're older you will see too

Feeling pretty exhausted right now. I was up until like... 5:30am last night. Hung out with my friend Matt and his friend pretty late, and got to talking with the friend until 4am. It was enjoyable conversation and I felt fairly wired after I got home, but I had an ECS hike at 8am and I took what was basically a 1.5 hour nap between hanging out at my friend's place and going hiking.

On Tuesday I went to a talk about the existential view of being alone. I thought it was quite interesting and was reassuring in the way that such things often are for me. The information itself wasn't necessarily all novel, but it put words to concepts I had never articulated before, and there was comfort in that. The speaker described different types of being alone and loneliness.

For example, there's morbid loneliness anxiety vs. existential loneliness. Morbid loneliness anxiety is a state of feeling separated from oneself as a feeling/knowing person. Existential loneliness, in contrast, is an awareness of the solitary and separate nature of being human. Subjectivity divides us from ever being truly with each other in our perceptions and experiences. I experience existential loneliness frequently, and have for almost the past eight years.

Solitude facilitates our inner work by encouraging autocommunication, which was defined in the talk as "communication with oneself based on the polyphony (multiple voices) of human consciousness." I think that autocommunication helped me when I was younger and struggling with my self-worth, and I had two voices in my head with opposing points of view about me. There was the main voice, the one that felt like my voice, saying negative things, and then there was a louder more aggressive voice that shot down everything "my" voice said. I don't have multiple distinct inner voices anymore, but I guess I might not need them anymore.

Too tired to write more right now. So tired lately, it feels like. Never any motivation to write. Not much motivation to do anything at all. It's strange, because my mood will seem okay, or at least not terrible, but I just... don't want to do things. Sometimes I go to sleep early because I feel like there's just nothing at all I want to do while conscious. It comes off like a depressive thing, but I don't feel anything otherwise. Maybe I have to determine it going from the outside in again though... Haven't had to do that in awhile, not since I used to deal with depersonalization, but I can dust off those skills...

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My sleep schedule is terrible
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
"Crane Song" by Toledo.


This song feels perfect for the quiet late at night. Or well, the first part, at least. The softness of it, and the way it turns round and round. Revolving slowly like a mobile hanging from the ceiling, casting shadows on the walls. The rocking picks up halfway through and gives it a different tone.

I started talking to someone new. Don't know much about him except that he's in SLO, but details are emerging as we go on. I don't really have expectations for where this will go, but it's nice to have someone to chat with regularly. He asked if anybody had ever told me I was a little bit intimidating tonight... I can't recall if anybody has ever said that to me directly, but it's been implied before. It's strange but sort of flattering I suppose.

School is almost over. I just have a few assignments left and I'll have a couple weeks before the next semester starts...

I socialized more than I could reasonably handle on Saturday and it's thrown my sleep schedule off pretty badly. Needed more time to recover my energy and I haven't gotten it yet. Thursday's gonna be rough...

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Some good things recently
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Nightmares?
Thursday, July 19, 2018
I have scary dreams sometimes, but nothing so bad that it wakes me up, usually. At least not within my memory of the past few years. For some reason these past couple nights, I've had three different dreams that were sufficiently horrifying to wake me up. The odd thing is that they didn't really have too much in the way of plot, which contrasts with my usual dreams.

1. I walked into a McDonald's and looked to my right, down the hall towards the bathrooms. There was something blocking the hallway, and I realized it was a man who had hanged himself and felt nauseated. Right before I woke up, it struck me that he looked oddly disfigured on the right side of his face, and I felt afraid that he had actually been overtaken by some kind of alien or parasite that drove him to hang himself.

2. I was coming out of Mitsuwa, and there was an older man seated outside, facing away from the doors. He turned to look over his right shoulder and I saw that his right eye had been ripped from its socket, so there was only a hole. That side of his face was clawed and raw and bloody, and I woke up in a panic.

3. There was a bit more to this dream than the others, but at the end, I was with Becka and her baby, who she was letting crawl around on some kind of shelf that had a few magazines on it and a clear plastic wall at the front so you could see the publications. Her baby slipped and hit his head and we all looked towards him in concern. There were huge amounts of blood pooling around his head in the display case, and I was scared and wondered if he was going to die. The worst part was that he started off crying, and then just starting screaming. It was this shrill inhuman wail that flooded my ears and didn't stop until I woke up.

I hope my dreams go back to normal soon. I don't like waking up panicked in the middle of the night...

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Names
Friday, July 6, 2018
For whatever reason, I seem to have developed some rather strong convictions about names and their usage. I don't think I have recorded these thoughts in any cohesive form before, so this seemed like as good a time as any to finally write them down.

I guess, first off, we have to define what a name is. A name is an identification, a way of being known to others. A name helps to specify and separate from the crowd. I don't have a problem with these things.

What I have an issue with is the idea of having a "real" name. I feel like it ties into the concept of having one true singular identity. There are many ways we can be in the world, and not all cultures have this idea of the One True Self. On top of this quibble, the "real name" people expect is almost universally one's given/legal name. I didn't choose my given name, it was picked for me before I was even born. I never had a say in it, but it's what I have to go by legally. Also, at this point in my life, it's so worn into me that trying to ask people to call me something different would be tremendously inconvenient. It has little or nothing to do with who I am as a person, though.

The names I choose for myself feel more meaningful. I've always had an affinity for nicknames, and I think that's part of why I like the internet so much. Here, I get to be known by the name I make for myself. There's none of the baggage that comes with my given name. My identity is malleable and free-flowing. The recent trend of social media sites forcing you to put your "real name" on your profile bothers me not just for privacy reasons, but for principle conflicts as well.

I don't want to have to condense multiple ways of being in the world under one header. I am different with different people, but I am always myself, and I don't want to box myself in with a single name. My various usernames are branches of me. There is also an underlying namelessness that I feel, which seems better addressed by having multiple names than by pretending there is only one name which can encompass everything. It is the difference between trying to represent a circle with many straight lines and trying to represent a circle with one line. I will not be reduced.

At the same time, there is a practicality that I understand in having one name across all dimensions of life. It simplifies things. It's easier, less of a hassle, less messy and uncontained. I know that my feelings on this subject could be framed as drama, "making a big deal out of nothing," and so on. There's always that tension between objective and subjective. Does it really matter? No, and yes at the same time. None of this is "real" in any objective sense. These things only matter because they are made real through thought and speech and sharing with others. As I get older, I find I don't run into as many people who don't understand this interaction, but it's still something to remember.

Anyway, yeah, names. That's a thing.

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Saints and blood
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
I donated blood today. The technician who attended to me was named Dymphna, and I commented that I'd never heard that name before. She told me that Dympnha was the patron saint of the mentally ill. The story goes that Dympnha was the daughter of a pagan Irish king and a beautiful Christian woman who died when Dympnha was young. In his grief, the king went mad. His advisers suggested he remarry, but he refused to marry anybody who was not as beautiful as his dead wife, and became fixated on his daughter. Dymphna fled to the town of Geel in what is now Belgium, but her father tracked her down and, when she refused his advances, he cut off her head.

After her death, the people of Geel started taking the mentally ill into their homes and caring for them, not as patients but as "boarders" who are integrated into normal life. They don't try to treat them or change them, they just live with them and accept them as people.

Anyway, I just thought that was interesting, as well as oddly appropriate.

---

I've been feeling sad lately, and my dad knocked on my door tonight and told me I got a package. I didn't remember buying anything, but I opened the box and found this:

Knew immediately it was from Kyle and felt cared for. It's hard to talk to any of my other friends about how I'm feeling in the moment. Even when he's not around to respond though, I feel like I can message him to say whatever and it's okay.

---

I've been listening to Vansire's Angel Youth album today. It's dreamy and sweet with little touches of sadness here and there.

"Moon Hits" by Vansire.

Oh we were standing there
When the moon broke through
And I wonder still
What it meant to you

Do the months roll by
When you're far from home
Are you doing fine
Have you grown wistful on your own?


---

I'm waiting on my therapist to give me a call so I can schedule an appointment and talk to him about the dreams I've been having.

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Birds
Friday, June 29, 2018
Trevor and I were talking about an idea he has for a startup, and I ended up looking at a bunch of bird pictures online for name inspiration. Found Glenn Bartley's website, which is full of beautiful bird photos from the Americas.

I'm so full of awe and grateful to be living in a day and age where I can see these gorgeous photos. Thinking about the work it took for this photographer to travel around and find all these birds, and everything that went into editing and the technology required to deliver these images to my screen here in my home... It's really just astounding, honestly. So much goes into it, and we take it for granted that we can search all these images on Google. Hardly give any photo more than a few seconds' glance. It's such a shame.

Still, I'm happy I can see these. It's important to be grateful for the good things in life.

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